Seeing as I seem to be alternating between writings concerning my two jobs it appears this how-to guide will be focusing back on The Golf Shop of St. Andrews and highlighting even more annoying tendencies of the visitors to my town. Enjoy…..
VI) You’re Not From These Parts!
Each and everyday in the shop I meet hundreds of tourists from all over the world. And after two years of working there I have learned the questions to ask tourists that make them feel welcome.
“Are you playing golf today?”
“Which Course are you playing?”
“How long are you in St. Andrews”
And the list goes on. And most conversations play out the same, few tourists realising I’m basically reading from a script. Unfortunately, I wish my script did not have to contain the part explaining that I am American. As most Americans proudly tell me while I am completing their transaction:
“You’re not from these parts!”
I know that, you know that, can we move on? My script of questions is only asked to each tourist once but I have been asked, or told, that I’m American several thousand times in the last two years. I know this may seem trivial, but it rubs me the wrong way, and more pressingly I am deeply confused by the tourists response to my answer. When I tell them that, yes indeed, I did grow up in the U.S. they often like to tell me where they are from. They haven’t noticed that I don’t care.
“Yes I grew up in Pennsylvania”
“Well we’re from Nevada”
“Ok? I’m from Pennsylvannia…?”
What do I say to that? And why did you feel it was appropriate to ask me where I was from. Where I am from is not important to me, but where I am is. And right now I’m in Scotland, that’s all you need to know.
VII) You Know the Answer to That
Only 3 million people in the U.S. are illiterate (I know! Only 3 million!) And by the looks of it all of them come on holiday to St. Andrews. Almost all of the questions I am asked on a daily basis do not require an answer but simply a 5 second pause while the customers figure out the answer for themselves. The following few exchanges (with the answer I would give if I answered immediately) are the most common, and by far, the most soul destroying:
“Where are your towels?”
(Right behind you)
“How much are these golf balls?”
(£1.50 as you can clearly see on the A4 sized sign 12” in front of your face)
While holding a sign which reads ‘£19.99’ “So these are £19.99?”
(No, we displayed that price so you would have to ask me what the price was)
I simply wish all tourists in the shop would open up their eyes and read a few signs or look around the shop before asking such stupid questions. Although as the 3rd question illustrates reading is clearly something most of them cannot do. That, or the act of reading alone is not enough for the information to penetrate their terminally thickened skulls. Please tourists of the world – read, and then take a few moments to process the information before you open your mouth and remove all doubt as to how stupid and ignorant you actually are.
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