A "How To" Guide to Being a Tourist (2)

Three days a week, after leaving my 9:00-18:00 shift at the Golf Shop of St. Andrews I walk two blocks away and immediately start a 18:00-2:00 shift at Aikman's Bar working as bartender. Although I encounter fewer tourist while working at the pub I still come across enough ineptness that it warrants some form of mention. And so this weeks edition of A "How To" Guide to Being a Tourist will be focussing on British pubs. 

But before I begin, you need a drink.....

III) Queuing For Drinks

When you walk into a pub you may not pay attention to, or even notice, the bartender immediately. But be well aware that they notice you. We know how to ballpark your age, remember what order you arrived in and predict the type of drink you are likely to order, all in a split second glance up from pouring a pint. We may tend bars, but we're not idiots. So please tourists of the world, don't treat us like we are. Expecting to be served first because you are the loudest person in the pub will never work. Neither will the effort of pushing your way to the front of the bar work, because as I stated, we remember who came in in what order. Queuing for drinks is no different than any other queue you may encounter so please don't treat it any differently.

IV) Ordering Your Drinks

To expand upon the commentary about queuing: Do not think for a second that flashing large sums of money is likely to get you served first. That notion may work in a culture where bar tenders work for tips. But seeing how there is NO TIPPING CULTURE in British pubs why would a bartender serve you first. All that money you are flashing is going to end up in the till and not in my pocket, so put your money away and wait your turn.

When you do finally arrive at the front of the bar, remind yourself one more time that the bar staff are not idiots. We are capable of remembering quite substantial orders and would prefer your entire round to be ordered at once. The following dialogue is not acceptable:

"I'll have a pint of Erdinger"

*Pour

"That's £3.45 please"

"And a pint of Best"

*Pour

"That's £5.65 please"

"And a pint of Aspalls"

*Pour

"Thats £8.35 please"

I think you get the idea; these people waste valuable staff time by being completely patronizing. So, if you see someone doing this at a pub you may want to hit them, ensuring you get served faster and ensuring the staff don't reach a breaking point. But by far the most annoying ordering tendency of customers must be: the above dialogue repeated until the person is presented with a total in the £20 range at which point they utter

“O, and a pint of Guinness”

V) Know Your Drinks

Beer is more complex than you think. Our pub serves over 50 different types and every member of staff knows how and where they were brewed, how long they age, the correct order in which you should enjoy them, the correct glass to use for each and the correct way to pour them. Yet the number of customers who cannot pronounce the beer they just ordered and insist that my pour created too much or too little head is never ending. Or the famously stupid tendency of ordering a wheat beer and then complaining it is cloudy. I pour more pints in one night of work than most customers drink in a year, and for some reason they think they know better.

So if you visit a British pub and you push your way to the front of the queue, wave a £20 note, order your drinks one at a time and insist that I “top up” your Duvel with its 3” head, you may just be told,

“I’m sorry, I think you’ve had enough”